Rose Colored Glasses

 My family always said my father saw life through rose-colored glasses.  Most artists do, because if you don't the brutal reality of the world will kill you.  We aspire to the greater good.  Always we strive to improve our situation through thought and work.  A useful adage is  "Plan your work and work your plan."  Sometimes life becomes so unwieldy and confusing, you lose sight of your plan.  I am there.  Never did I fathom I would be tasked with deconstructing our family.  Because my father and mother were so strong, the possibility of a transfer of power didn't seem possible.  After my father's stroke, a crack surfaced in our family.  In retrospect my father's mind never returned.  He lived a long time (88 years), but his aging became difficult.  Few are lucky to transition in an instant.  Seniors have become a large responsibility us.  Our family was successful taking care of him; most of this was my mother's work.  She had done it their entire marriage, so it was not surprising.  It was natural for her.  After my father died, we had to sort through his things.  We continued to live in our house, but it was important to discard unpleasant memorabilia and keep positive things.  This is tangible property.  Surprisingly my mother was accommodating to this process.  Many of the things we needed to discard were unpleasant to her.  We completed this stage of bereavement, and now my mother has moved out into an assisted living facility.  It is necessary, because she has had multiple compression fractures in her back.  She requires around the clock care, so she is in the right place.  There is a gray area now.  Her long term care insurance is for four years, and it is possible she may live longer.  Instead of spending my parent's life savings paying for her final years, I would bring her home.  We would have to find and employ around the clock care for her.  For Medicare to cover any of this subsequent care, we would have to spend everything.  I think they allow you to keep your home and a car.  The IRS looks back, so trying to hide money is not an option.  It is a prickly issue.  It is better to keep your home.  Eating your belongings through sale is unsavory.  You will devour them in a short period of time.  Investments are tangible, and a home is an investment.  All of that said, I find myself in my mother's home.  I have tasked myself with  organizing her belongings.  Most families would have an estate sale and rely upon complete strangers to discard their family's belongings.  In some cases this is necessary and favorable.  In our case because I am living in the house, it is possible for me to do this in increments.  If I remove my rose-colored glasses for a moment, this reality becomes sorrowful.  I am deconstructing my family's history.  I am looking at everything we have amassed and has enriched our lives and discarding it.  I didn't ask for this responsibility, but it is necessary.  I choose to bear this burden, rather than letting a salvage company bury our family.  I am single and alone, and this situation could be overwhelming.  My plan is to unclutter her house.  I have survived in my lifetime.  That will not change, but being the sole bearer of this task is taxing.  Each day I am facing the disassembly of our family.   Perhaps I am being proactive actualizing the grief before it comes.  Then I will be better prepared for my own future.