Cruising....

There are few good cruise ship gigs and there are many bad ones. Politics determines which ones you will get. At their worst the ships are 80% gay, the food is inedible, the officers are incompetent, and the music is cheesy. You also get to live in a cabin the size of a bathroom with a closet not large enough to house a coat hanger in horizontal position. Chances are your roommate will be a Filipino hypocrite. He will get up religiously at 3:30 a.m. to have sex with a prostitute, but he will watch the religious channel in all spare hours to requite himself of the notion he may not get in heaven. The musicians mostly will be French-Canadian robbing them from any inclination to sing jazz. They will have no background in commercial music. The music will be pop, and the band will be dominated by a guitar player. The Musical Director will be from Argentina, will speak little English, and will hate the Polish musicians in the band. The drummer will be an egomaniac and will not swing. No one will know how to improvise. The production shows will be ‘tracked’ with a necessary click track blasting in your ear. Even if you do learn the written music, the rest of the band will not play it in the correct style. Stage techs will be irreverent. Most will be gay. The singers will be gay as will be the male dancers. The female dancers will be 20 years old, not old enough to drink a beer. The Safety Officer will be qualified, but will leave training the others at your Emergency Station to your Muster Station Leader. They will fail miserably, and you will end up doing all the work at PAX boat drill. There will be no fresh loaf bread and no peanut butter. The Cruise Director will be gay. Daily soups will be fish and pork. There is no such thing as boneless chicken breast. The Crew Bar will be cold, dark, and smoky. It will be filled with the antagonizing sounds of video games and poker machines. The fooseball machine will be broken and covered in beer cans. The Crew Activities Manager will have signed off with no one to take their place. The ship will go into “Code Red” at least twice in the first month. You will have to sanitize the entire ship before you are granted shore leave at your home port. Many will be overworked and they will sue the company. You cannot wear short pants in a guest area, even if you are going to the beach. You may not have a showing tattoo. You must button your shirt to the first button. You simply smile and say, "My pleasure." Welcome to your first cruise ship gig.  Jazz not allowed.