Today’s Top Ten List of Shit America Needs Now


1. Fewer Cable Channels (I can remember NBC, CBS, ABC, and PBS)

2. More 7/11’s Run by Americans (I’d like an Icee, please)

3. Fewer Strip Malls (Whatever happened to Sears, Pennies, and Belks?)

4. Fewer Coffee Drinks (I prefer black, de-caf, and Sanka)

5. Fewer Drug Commercials (Pharmaceutical companies should be ashamed. Their adds are no better than the cigarette ad’s of the l970’s)

6. A Renewed Reliance Upon Japanese-Made Cars (My Toyota logged 275,000 miles before the body rusted out)

7. The Global Extermination of MIDI-based Commercial Music (If Pop is the only QUANTIZE groove you motherfuckers can come up with, then go back to music school)

8. Drinking Water Free of Harmful Chemicals (You should speak to Don Pellegrino. He is the Mob Boss of Lower Tuscany)

9. Legalization of Prostitution (I’m sick and tired of American’s women trying to make you pay for it on the low down. I’d rather pay up front if I so choose)

10. The Transferring of George Bush’s Presidency to the county of Iraq (How can he turn down a post in the cabinet? He created the situation. Let him handle it)