Kateland

My relationship with Kateland was exemplary. Having experienced two years of destitute, violent, and unpleasant existence, like the Jews who escaped the gas chambers of Hitler’s Nazi German I envisioned and created my own future. Their vision became Hollywood, and my vision was my future relationship with Kateland. I fed and nutured this entity, and I summoned her to follow me. I taught us how to succeed in love. I also taught us about sex. The interesting thing about this was I turned the tables on my junior high school years. For two years I was manipulated by the system and its women, until I developed the skills and personality traits necessary to create my own reality. This was the bubble in which I lived for the next eleven years. I have one person to thank for my awareness of sexuality. It was “the girl next door.” Although I was experiencing pain and frustration at school, I was honing my skills looking and being cool. This neighbor was the first one to notice and respond to me. It was peculiar, because she was my sister’s best friend and was four years older. This was socially unacceptable, so she covertly managed her campaign of seduction and manipulation. I was receiving sexual favors from her, so I did not mind her mental abuse. This process is what taught me how to become the manipulator, and I extrapolated that in my future relationship with Kateland. In the process of seducing her and with a great feeling of revenge, I punished Stephanie for her past cool disinterest and abuse during our junior high school years. As my body and mind evolved into a more sexual package, Stephanie was finally effected. This is what she had wanted all along, but it was too late for us. I had moved on and taken over her role as the desired one. Somehow I knew what it took to fuel romance. There was a formula. It meant having to have a good time. It meant providing positive feelings. It meant spending your money. Whence you invest comes your reward. You get what you pay for, whether it in the short or long term. We went to the movies every weekend. I filled her jewelry box with tasteful bling. I bought designer pajamas and monogrammed sweaters. I taught her on how to be a sophisticated women. This I had learned from being the member of an affluent Episcopal church. While this bubble lasted a long time, it was destined to pop. Twenty-two years later although positive reminiscence comes and goes, I no longer think of Kateland. She is married children. The many trinkets I have saved that remind me of her are all neatly packed away. The problem is my mother can not forget this bubble. She still thinks it is a possible reality. Those years were a sizeable part of my growing up, and they became a part of her. I have moved on spiritually and emotionally but she, living in that same house and realizing her relationship with my aging father is dying, she is not capable of moving on. As a result I am forced to live in this past chapter that she longs for and sees as desirable. Unfairly but without knowing she projects her loss upon me, subconsciously blaming me, because I do not have that now. Upon feeling outdated and chronologically out-of-date feelings it is confusing and stressful. Who wants to re-live the negative aspects of your past? It appears my parents have lived vicariously through the experiences of their children. This cannot be appropriate, is it? I have sympathy, because I have had the experiences necessary to understand what is happening. In a time of your own emotional weakness their feelings can become superimposed over your own creating depression and neurosis. Who knew being in a family was this difficult?