A Fraught Liquid

 It is time to write again; I can't feel my soul.  I am depressed, and it is Sunday.  When I can't discern my soul, I struggle.  Motivation is my daily routine.  I am motivated to produce.  When I feel bad, I sit down and reflect and engage the affective.  Lack of feeling causes depression.  If your brain does not release, you don't feel.  If you create physical pleasure, you feel hedonistic.  Enlightened medical circles teach masturbation for older men for the prostate.  This is unspoken, and with woke society it will be a miracle if humanity survives.  The meek may inherit the earth, but the meek shouldn't be confused with the inability to understand or make decisions.  Not discerning one's own gender is the beginning of this tirade.  The adage, "Jazz is anything," is appropriate.  Jazz isn't "anything," and a connotation that suggests this gaslights its significance in American history.  It is counterculture (a cop out), and an excuse for refusing to learn and grow.  Those who expect to be given to, because they deserve it, will not inherit the earth.  The meek will not be confused with those who can't understand.  We seek to be educated and enlightened and eat a slice of daily humble pie.  Pride is not a sin.  The human race wouldn't  have evolved.  Accomplishment creates serenity.  If you completed your work, you rest and enjoy.  Sitting back and doing nothing should not be confused with the meek.  Meek is manners and a recognized ability to keep stay silent.  My brain will not provide a list of things to do.  It is awash in the rubbish of the neighborhood; I spend time trying to figure out why I am inhibited.  I browse to the the Washington Post, and their front page stark.  Totalitarian Autocracy.  Militarization.  Limited Cultural Rights.  Vladimir Putin's ideals are anti-Jazz.  Jazz, the real jazz, the empowerment of the human mind and soul, and its emotional expression through music is Putin's enemy.  My chosen vocation, expressive musical language and identity, are the enemy of the second most powerful man.  It is crucial for the most powerful nation to take a stand.  Is it possible the nation that created Jazz doesn't understand?  Is it racism?  I have lost touch with America.  For the first time in my life I feel the perspective of an ex-patriot.  It would not be better abroad.  Like a home in a neighborhood that doesn't swing, I am trapped in a selfabsorbant, ignorant, and antagonistic nation.  My depression is oppression.  I feel no support with my involvement in jazz music.  I feel resistance.  When I play, abruptly I feel the cold deaf ears of those who do not understand.  You do not have to understand, but you have to feel.  You must feel, and in America it is perilous.  You are vulnerable.  You are exposed, and your are weak.  To be human you must feel.  My ninety-two year old mother does not like it when I feel, because my feelings are different than hers.  When she is happy,  I am malcontent.  If I am happy, she is not.  Family blood is a fraught liquid.