The Estate Sale

 With my disdain for the "Estate Sale," I have discovered its purpose.  After frequenting a handful of these events often predicated by a grievous family event, I vowed I would not allow complete strangers to rummage through our family heirlooms.  To me it is blasphemy.  Not only is it degrading to sell your childhood toys to illegal immigrants, it is emotionally disruptive to your soul.  Sadly the alternative equally is as disquieting.  Having to sift through your family's history alone with no emotional support could be unbearable.  (or perhaps it could yield you nerves of steel)  In either case one must be prepared for the severity of the process, and it is this severity which spawned the "Estate Sale."  Others come into your home, and with distance and disconnection try their best to provide meaning and potential longevity to your past belongings.  What would be an arduous event is tamed into a local garage sale.  Perhaps the Estate Sale in actuality is a sacrament worthy of more appreciation.  I chose to circumvent this event, and with this choice the tragedy of its nature has beset itself upon me in full force.  I have summoned upon myself bereavement that is unavoidable, the passing of a parent.  In my case it is yet to happen, and for that I am grateful.  I have grieved the passing of one parent, and it didn't seem fair to me to spend my present future in limbo and with no control of my own life.  I instigated this process myself, solo, and unknowingly in a vacuum not unlike the dark abyss one wakes up to in the throes of depression.  You are staring into the void of loss, because all of the experiences and memories that will resonate in this process are gone.  It must be life's biggest black hole.  The salvation of this process is the same as any loss.  To escape the deep and burning emotion, one must be flexible and change.  You must adapt to a new existence of which you may know little.  One thing is for sure.  As much as we would like to maintain familiarity with our lives and continue on a similar path, it may not be possible.  Such is my situation.  Ironically we are our memories, and without them we would have no soul.  They key is to learn how to balance them, their boons and pitfalls, and forge ahead strongly with a will to survive.  If we pooled the human race I would gamble strongly on choosing to abandon most of our memories in favor of seeking more favorable rewards.  No one but Whitney Houston could revel in their lives to the point of complete satisfaction.  Most pop stars are very candid in thanking the Creator for their vast success.  What happened to Whitney?  She died a drug addict, strung out, crazy, and poor.  Perhaps improvisation is one solution for this pitted trail.  Luckily as a jazz musician, and without much thought about it, improvisation has been a part of my life.  It doesn't make my decisions.  It helps me solve them.  Wynton Marsalis has said it often, that an enslaved African who doesn't speak the language and is at every turn at a disadvantage, must entertain the process of improvisation.  The Estate Sale as a sacrament provides a more civil service.  It swoops in like the judicial system and without bias, malice, or opinion finds solstice in the midst of emotional turmoil.  It disregards history, habit, and love and seeks to render a verdict that is fair and courteous.  "Would you like to become the keeper of these old things?  Their past voluntarily is being sacrificed for the greater good, and you can ascribe to them anything you may."  In most cases this would be positive energy, not loss.  Perhaps I made the wrong decision in deciding to make this journey myself.  As all adults must do, we scope out the potential consequences, make decisions, and proceed.  Often we must remind ourselves why we chose what we did, and that is was the best choice for these reasons.  Often those around us will challenge our decisions and consequently challenge us.  Disassembling one's life for this purpose is a great challenge, because only it is we who know the goal.  Others cannot understand our journey, because they have their own.  I have come to understand and appreciate the Estate Sale, because now I am experiencing the alternative.