Losing it All

As I sit here on this rainy night as Hurricane Ian winds down, my past depressed chapters in life are pushing their way up.  I know what depression is, because I have been through it.  I survived, and it took over four years.  I told my mother you must change yourself.  I'm not sure if that is possible at the age of 90.  If I allowed myself to wax sentimental, I could be sad about many things.  Usually sadness is about what you have lost, and there comes a time when you must survive and look forward.  Your past, whether laden with toil and trouble or happiness, is a part of you.  As an adult you learn to leave the sadness behind.  You must become independent, and some may have difficulty with that.  Traditional marriage is a booby trap for loss.  If you come to rely on someone else for your happiness, then you will be miserable without them.  I went though this, codependency.  Isn't that what a marriage is?  Now it is easy to be independent, because I have not been successful finding many friends, lovers, or colleagues who augment my life.  Maybe the older you get, the more poorly people behave toward you.   Maybe the aging process breeds bad behavior as the brain deteriorates.  Whatever the case I have a standard for how I treat myself, because you must love yourself first before you can love anyone.  I don't enjoy being patronized.  I don't enjoy arguing, because it is a waste of your valuable time.  I don't care to waste time complaining about someone else's behavior.  No one is worth that.  Complaining about civil injustice, lack of civility, or corruption is necessary, because these things are rife in our society.  After so many years of healing and redirection, why would my past depressed chapters force themselves to the surface?  It is because my mother is feeling these things.  She experienced some of these things, so they are also a part of her memory.  What we don't need, want, or deserve is someone dredging up muck about you the way the Trump Organization does.  It is so destructive.  It is destructive when you need rest.  When you need time to refuel, regroup, organize, or plan you can't be actualizing your own life.  This is when the fleas fester on you.  It will be a minute percentage of time, when anyone will actually augment your life.  Depending upon where you live and its percentage of ghetto, most times you are battling life out in the trenches.  This is so tiring.  It is tiring not because you have not planned, but because everyone around you is in dire straights and struggling.  They bring down your existence.  Ignorance cannot see resolution, and depression cannot find a cure for itself, because there is no clear solution in sight for your sadness.  You must have a plan, but sometimes they don't come easily especially if you are in hostile territory.  Life in Fayetteville is like trying to fix your car in the driveway with bombs dropping around you.  There is so much distraction, it makes concentration much more difficult.  Then assault your senses. What you hear, what you can see, and eventually what you feel emotionally.  Everything is working against you.  To keep the past depressed chapters in the past, you have to think of new things.  It has been twenty-eight years since I attended Ohio State as a doctoral student in music composition.  It seems like yesterday.  Many of those I knew have died in the music community.  Now there is a new music building.  The music I wrote there is my soul, and it was the solution to my depression.  I needed to heal myself with my own medicine.  I have forgotten those things, because eventually you can exorcise the sadness.  Depression does not occur for no reason.  When it manifests itself, it is for good reason.   My mother has it, and with it comes my old depression.  I am not feeling those things anymore, and I don't want to.  You must be strong and forthright, and you must refuse to return to those dark crevices of your psyche.  I had disappointments, but the music profession isn't forgiving.  It is ruthless, and no longer is it worth it to pine for musical success.  There is no such thing.  Look at television.  Listen to modern popular music.  The trappings of my generation have disappeared, but they are not worthless.  They have more integrity than anything today, and it is best to remember these things, not disappointments and sadness related to codependency.  It is much more helpful to toughen your skin and say, "What the fuck."  What have we got to lose, because we all ready lost most of it.