I am aware it is "Pride" month. Pride will always be the longest distance between two people. It makes us artificial. Humility makes us real. - Thomas Merton. I was having dinner at the Chinese Buffet in town, and I was dining alone. When I attended The Ohio State University in the 1990's, I became accustomed to dining alone. I was in a completely new state and city, but why should this limit your ability to enjoy your dinner? I forced myself to frequent restaurants alone, and most often I would sit at the bar. They were happy to serve me. When you are devastated the first time from the big break up having been codependent upon your substantial other for a long time, it takes time to retool your life. This is such an common everyday scenario. Love and companionship provide such joy and pleasure, but when they leave... The chasm, the void is vast and dark. There will be a point if you chose to survive and continue living, you will change yourself to accommodate the loss. Most often what that entails is choosing not to love that way again. I had the love early in my life, and it lasted seven years. For a long time I continued to believe this kind of love always was possible. It is not. Maybe it is an adolescent thing. Maybe it is a first love thing. I refuse to concede it no longer is possible. For me I know it is not, and if you continue to want it for yourself you are creating a world of hurt, loneliness and disappoint. I like to imagine it still being possible, so that occurs in my mind. Is it fantasy? Perhaps, but that kind of intimate, physical, emotional love which may only occur in adolescence is as pure as gold. I am extremely luck to have had it, and it didn't just happen by itself. I made it happen. I had an idea of how I wanted it to be, and I worked for it. It was almost a full time job this love. A marriage is the same. It is a full time job keeping it alive and vital. I would like to see this kind of personal expression preserved. The feeling in the film "Endless Love" is in the ballpark. It is tangible this feeling, and although it is not readily accepted today, physicality has a lot to do with it. I am pretty fatigued as a sixty year old man being expected to relate to women for their minds only. May I ask what vessel carries this mind? The mind is a blob in your head, but the vessel that carries it is equally as important in love relationships. I am chastised for even thinking in my mind what a beautiful body a woman may have. This is the age in which we live. It is a whole. There is no separation between the mind and the body, accept that you can choose to engage your mind only. If you do you are negating most of what makes you human, and certainly as a populace we don't embrace that anymore. Humanity went out with Donald Trump. Brutality, narcissism, savagery, and fascism are the adjectives of the Trump ideal. In the Trumpian dystopia is nothing more than plantation owners working their slaves. They feel a subservient race should be enslaved and should toil for free for the profit of their masters. It is nothing other than Jim Crow. It is not new. It was what built America, but it was wrong. We are confused. I sat in a booth at the local Chinese Buffet, of which we have not frequented since the onset of Covid. When I looked up my view was a lesbian couple sitting next to one another. they were young and I guess in love. The dominant partner really exhibited the persona of a Latina gang banger. You may have thought "she" was a man. She acted like a man, and more unusually than men treat women, she was dominant over her partner. This is a recurring theme in Fayettenam. I see it all the time, militant, feminist, lesbian husbands determined to control their female partners. On many of the cruise lines it is the homosexual men who wield this control over the heterosexual women. They will do anything in their power to keep a heterosexual man from approaching a straight woman. It is called "Cock Blocking." I didn't have time to fight the "Gay Mafia" at sea, but I would not choose to cross the husband in this lesbian couple. She was angry, violent, and protective of her charge, not unlike a Mexican cartel operative steeped in violence to control territory. I ate in peace, and this was my TV. Young people have yet to grow into adulthood, and as such they are separatist and rebellious to authority. I expect too much as an ex college professor that young people could step out of their personal intimacy needs and actually engage in society. That is the kind of juvenile love of which I spoke. Over the years I learned to change my perspective. I realized it is not rational for a husband or wife to be able to satisfy all of their spouses needs. They need other friends. Pick what is most important to you for the basis of the relationship, agree on it, and carry on. If you are committed to one another than other people should not be a threat to their marriage. They will be an asset. They will provide diversity. They will provide variety. Most couples I see are not this way. It was a surprise to find out some married couples share Facebook feeds. Wow! They use the same profile, so if you are talking to one the other hovers not far in the background taking notes. Ugh! I have been admiring a local business professional. This woman is unique in Fayetteville not only from her look, but from her behavior. It is what catches my attention. Bait on the hook, and I can't bite. I will think about it though. She is of mixed race, and in the business environment appears white. When I saw her tonight checking out of our Food Lion grocery store I was allowed to see the other side. On task she dresses and behaves professionally with sleek business clothing and tended hair. This is unusual today. Professional dress is a thing of the past, so I respect it. She has wide shoulders, a thin frame, and a Jamaican face. (These women always have been beautiful to me) Tonight God allowed me to glimpse the other side, and I stood quietly and observed. How can I explain the feeling? It was not infatuation, because I am not sexually attracted to this woman, but I do find her stimulating and interesting. Perhaps it is her personal lifestyle that prompts my interest, and I think it is. She was with another woman, and they were shopping together. I can't project if they were a couple, but it is possible. In this setting the business clothing was gone, and a complete other persona was in play. This was the surprise. She was scantily dressed with no brassiere. Her shorts were so short her cheeks were exposed, so it was an extremely relaxed demeanor suggestive of comfort and security. She was confident, flirty, and sensual. My intuition guessed this immediately when I saw her the first time, and as a man naturally I responded. As a probable lesbian promptly she shut me down. In our time in public it is fashionable to dress like this for your partner, but feel somehow other around you should be immune to your affect. I was standing directly behind her, and perhaps others shoppers would not be intrigued by such a character. As a man I am. It is man's nature, and it is natural to him, yet I am chastised for responding this way. I said nothing to her, because I was not prepared for such an exchange. Simply I made note of her alter ego, and will remember it when I conduct business again. To find someone interesting for certain reasons is normal, but to assume they want to have sex with you also is egocentric and short-sighted. Young people who have not matured into adults may have trouble interacting with adults. The only model they have is their parents. It is a searing jab to be disrespected by a recalcitrant daughter, when you are not a father. I am just a single man living in this world trying to get by. I would say you could have the most satisfying interaction of your life if you tried it. The millennial generation is separatist, antagonistic, and self-serving. "Pride always will be the greatest distance between two people. It is humility that draws us together." As a teacher and former college professor I only want to talk to young people. Their parents are protective and controlling, and the children yearn for diversity, experience, and freedom. "Dancing, eating, and drinking are not holy." Of course they are not, but you don't do them in church. Not doing such things would ensure extinction. This country is confused, and the "Three R's" aren't going to fix it. It is a humanity problem, and it can't be solved with an iPhone.
P.S. I went to get a Covid booster today at Health Pavilion North. As it turns out I have two more weeks to wait before I can get another shot. (I am sick again) Discuss. With all of that pretense and a gaggle of parched and hungry Canadian geese camped out on the clinic front porch surrounded by their own feces, when I sat down in the waiting area I glanced down and to my right. There in front of me were the same crocs I had seen last night on the feet of my bank teller. They upon closer scrutiny were unmistakable. They were red, white, and blue, and mostly white. White crocs. Above the crocs were a thin pair of black legs terminating in a mask staring intently at a smart phone. I asked myself, "This couldn't possibly be the same women?" It was only last night at the grocery store I saw these shoes filled by a scantily clad, thin, young woman. Without staring I came to realize it was her, again. Was I stalking her?
