Stuck in a Studio

There is a lot going on.  I feel like the whole world around me is spiraling downward out of control.   I remember irrational behavior from my childhood, petty, back-stabbing, jealousy.  I haven't had to deal with it in decades.  It is a downer.  When I was young and zealous in the field of music, you had to have a certain degree of moxy to succeed.  Without drive, confidence, and a tangible goal no musician would be successful.  It is a disheartening to be dragged back down into an environment where musicians are being competitive.  I don't do music for this reason anymore.  I never really did, but interestingly enough I was pulled into this behavior by another.  I am watching this scenario now as I write.  My only interest in the field of music was to be a college teacher.  I watched my father be a band director my entire life, and perhaps this is why it does not appeal to me.  All ready I have done it, vicariously through him.  He was excellent at it and had the proper training.  I do not.  My music education degree at UNC while empowering intellectually was not effective practically.  I have written about this before.  The School of Education was weak when I attended UNC.  I received very little instruction on how to teach.  I didn't need it, because I had watched my father do it my entire life.  I was not worried, but I knew I didn't want to teach high school.  As such I was able to teach college for three years, two as a graduate teaching associate and one as an adjunct faculty member making a whopping eight thousands dollars a year.  They took advantage of me in their time of need, USC.  I was cast into the wind after their crisis past, but it didn't.  I continued to be a crisis for several years, because they found the wrong man.  Water under the bridge.  I was pretty aggressive back in the day, but you had to be.  I was moving and shaking getting gigs, building my resume, and performing music I had written.  Today as an adult I am tired of myself.  I have no energy to go out and tell others how great I am.  It is boring.  I do music for myself for the spiritual and artistic fulfillment, but you can't help be be pulled back into the heat of it in one way or another.  There are two doctors of piano in Fayetteville and probably more.  I complete the coursework for a DMA in composition.  It is a different thing all together.  No endless nights playing classical music in a practise room reading music.  Reading.  Reading music.  I of course can read music.  I took twelve years of piano lessons.  I play Rhapsody in Blue on my senior piano recital on the heaviest Baldwin action ever.  It was a terrible piano.  Betty Mohn had a Steinway and it was light.  I fought it so Bob Ladehoff said.  He could tell I was struggling with the heavy keys.  I can read music, and I understand complicated musical language.  I just chose not to be a doctor of piano.  Like John Williams and many other concert pianists, we chose not to endure the anxiety of that environment.  I do play the piano, and I play it well.  I know jazz.  I have studied it my entire adult life.  I can improvise.  I can play various styes of music on the piano including country, blues, and rock.  I have an authoritative understanding of keyboards including the Hammond organ and synthesizers.  Still I cannot help but be sucked into what is the status quo of piano where I live.  I do not market my skills in public.  I do not tell others how wonderful I am.  I just play, because I am a musician.  It is a downer having to market your wares.  I watched the Rachmaninov documentary the other night, and it seems he was miserable.  One does not deserve to be miserable when they are composing or performing.  If you are it is the fault of a superficial society.  My grift is this.  I have a studio which I have crafted to record music.  I can sequence music via MIDI, and I can record digital audio with it.  Therefore I am capable of producing fully orchestrated pieces of music.  I can't replicate a full big band or orchestra, but on a small scale of commercial music I can create a musical and listenable product.  My sound is excellent, and the man with the best sound wins.  The problem is, as my mother likes to point out, that no one around here will her what I produce.  That is why we use YouTube.  I released by album projects of original music on Distrokid and immediately saw that I would make no money from it this way.  The issue with digital distribution and its unfairness to artists is real.  The performing arts societies along with industry leaders crafted new legislation and pitched it on capital hill with the help of Orrin Hatch.  It was an effective presentation, and the new legislation seemed poised to compensate writers and artists for their work.  Since the internet revolution, Steve Job's advent of iTunes and the Apple store, and the inception of streaming music services, artists have gotten the shaft.  As such the entire process of creating and recording music, like our system of public education, has devolved into childish fodder.  Living in the midst of this unavoidable void of musical integrity is a challenge, and I will not give in.  I will not watch prime television.  I watch very little television anymore except for movies which have become classics.  They are classics because the possess all of the elements necessary for quality art.  Music is key in this films, and film music is an unsung hero in music history.  I am learning more about it each day.  What I like about film music is that it is the culmination of all things good in music.  Changing of mood and texture, style, modernism, and appeal at times challenge European orchestral an chamber music for viability.  We no longer live in the times of court.  We live in America today, and possibly film music in the near past has been most effective synthesizing disparate elements of American life.  Composers such as Dave Grusin, Jack Nitzsche, Lenny Neihaus, and Quincy Jones are the true musical celebrities of today, and yet they go unnoticed.  My musical drive competes with itself and no one else.  I am open to learning new and enlightening things, and each day opens a door to knowledge I do not possess.  I feel stupid at the moment, because I am surrounded by petty bickering.  It takes work to keep myself motivated and on track musically.  I do so by continuing to buy music on CD.  My classical and jazz selection is expanding to a more fulfilling level thanks to Jazz24 and YouTube.  This awareness does not usurp the level of intelligence around me.  It is a struggle.  I am stuck in the middle of producing in my studio (easy) and creating a live product.  It is confusing.  I am honing in on the concept, having drum patterns at my disposal for all of the styles I enjoy playing live.  These are very different from the majority of music I have recorded.  I need Bossa Nova, Samba, Cha-cha, Bolero, Waltz, Rumba, Polka, Funk and the rest.  I have drum sounds, but they are located in machines which are in my studio.   Should I extricate them and integrate them into my live playing system?  Never have I enjoyed the prospect of using a computer on my job.  First it is a major temptation for theft, a Macbook Pro just sitting there for the taking.  MIDI technology has shrunk over the years, so simple things are not as accessible.  I guess I need a new drum machine, a stand alone unit with programmable pads, many preset memory locations, ease of tempo change, and reliable not to mention good Latin and other ethnic sounds.  Any ideas?  My Roland Sound Canvas has nice Latin percussion sounds, but the Sound Brush no longer is available.  Floppy disc.  Really?  Bob Piasick?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Anyone?  Something that plays sample loops other than a computer plug in.  It is something to think about. I have diversified and began playing Hammond organ.  It is an aesthetic unto itself.  Never will I transport it out of my den, and that is okay.  It records well.  I am lacking studio space, a room large enough to hold all of my gear with enough space for performance.  I am squeezed into a house, and thus far it has been effective except that the neighbors are not thrilled with my musical inclinations.  A home does not offer the same mood as a jazz club nor an environment of creativity and freedom.  I am stuck.