Doomsday

I was just going to write a straight blog entry, until I noticed that "Roy's Lolita" had more hits.  It was laced with Hip/Hop jazz, rhythmic rhyming at which I am good.  Poetry is like music, and while I was on ships and the music muse evaded me, I took to the poetry pen.  It flowed like wine, but it also flowed because I was in love.  There was my muse.  I have no muse today.  All I have is total and inescapable depression.  I have become well equipped to actualize my own happiness, but that is not possible when the entirety of your country is steeped in despair.  There are few places to turn.  Then I realize the only solution is to recognize and confront reality.  It is a shite state, one so bleak that it defies the majority of my life's experiences.  I remember back in the 70's during the era of Viet Nam.  Life was bleak then.  The war was on the news every night.  Turbulent times in America often spark immense creativity, but that creativity is impotent unless The Man allows.  Today we have an unprecedented corporate monopoly possibly unlike any other time in American history.  From high school history I remember a time when Trusts ruled the roost.  Old money which was passed down through family generations ran America.  The names are familiar, so I will not say them.  The names now have changed and tech companies have inherited the power.  I am so nauseous watching the local news I barely can stand it.  It is the same feeling I had when I graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill in 1985.  It was clear to me that freedom was not possible.  A small handful of socialites ruled America, and I was not interested in kissing their ass to fit in.  Thirty-eight years later I am no better off.  I spent the last five years of my life bringing my father's life to an end.  I stopped working, moved in with my mother, and took care of the family in an abstract way.  Never was it understood what I was doing.  In reality it was seen as mooching.  I was living in my parent's house for free, but it was not free.  It far was from free.  I earned my keep and continue to do so, but I am tiring of the responsibility.  I am tired of not being independent and free to pursue my own life.  That is the call of family.  I was in close proximity to my father until he died peacefully on May 6th, 2017.  I am glad I was here, although it was a tumultuous time.  I began cooking for my mother and myself.  As she looked over my dad, I looked over her.  I continue to do so.  With that task at hand the future looks bleak.  I tried emphatically once to try and plan for my impending future, but it was met with outrage.  I retracted any plans to be a responsible, independent, productive adult and resigned myself to be a child, a child with a large amount of responsibility taking care of a property and a mother.  I am not a care-giver in a literal sense.  I am an abstract care giver masquerading as an adult.  I have no life of which to speak, but that is okay.  I have been through it before.  I was exploited by academia and then cast aside.  My life was ruined, and yet I started it anew.  It took a long time, and now I am back in it again mainly because I am back in the same area where things never have changed.  It is amazing how things have not changed, not one bit.  Vehemently they stay the same because the baby boomers who forged this place never will relinquish their control.  Instead they just die off leaving a completely unprepared populace to wrangle the shit that has been dealt to my generation.  I am unusual.  Most of my colleagues have successful lives, those who do not live here.  Here is a place undefinable.  It wreaks havoc on the unsuspecting.  It is a sewer, a toilet of the United States military.  Like everything life in America today is a faint shadow.  Pale and polluted life in America is a depressed, hollow, spiritless ghost running the alley's of Donald Trump's country clubs.  Everywhere I look, everything I see, every word I hear is a mockery of the American Ideal.  Yes, people are making money, but they are making money the wrong way and for the wrong reasons.  As I watch the local news I hear fat cat talking about restoring downtown Raleigh.  He is so happy that he is doing something historic, tearing down history and building inconsequential shit that iPhone watching panty wipes want.  I can't listen to it.  I can't listen to the fact that sixty new people are moving to the Triangle everyday.  To me that means overpopulation, L.A.-like traffic, and pollution.  It does not mean prosperity except to the fat cat that has bought up property in downtown Raleigh.  It makes me want to puke.  He is a beady-eyed pig who barely can communicate with an average reporter.  He is so ensconced in his own material wealth, like most Wall Street bankers and traders, his disingenuous bent is tangible.  It is all he can do to convey his selfish and greedy business.  He is an opportunist, someone who has no inclination to watch out for the future of America or the world.  We are so misguided, so off path, so dishonest, and disingenuous how can God even consider us?  Recently a college aquaintance posted a blog entry about moving into administration from the humanities.  It was all I could do to listen.  He has had the grail, a college teaching position for most of his life.  He has had the family like many of my friends from high school.  They all grew up the same way, into their parents, yuppies with kids.  I have spent the last five years of my life burying my father.  I gave up what life I had for my family.  I didn't think about it too much.  It was the right thing to do.  I gave up any prospect of having a future for myself in lieu of providing support for what was left of my family.  Any time I made an attempt to be responsible by thinking about myself and how I could be productive, it was met with scorn.  So like Jesus I gave it up.  Most days I get up and feel an impassioned urge to be productive in the field of music, but what's the point?  The jobs in Fayetteville died with my father.  His era, the era of the Baby Boomers, which wholly and totally took care of their own generation, up and left the remnants of America to us.  To Trump.  To an Army that is rife with homosexuality, a private security force protecting the poppy fields of the Sackler family.  The media is nonexistent.  Here are my headlines.  The American military victory in Iraq.  The repair of the power grid in Puerto Rico.  The fleecing of America by Congress.  The skewing of heterosexuality and God.  The fall of Capitalism.  The death of art in America.  None of it gets coverage.  We are in complete denial of the reality of what America has become.  The media is promoting tech, the thing that has killed the American spirit.  It won't be long before it all will come tumbling down, and only those capable of sowing a seed, tending a crop, or fetching a pail of water will survive.