Cruise Ship Gigs

When you sign on the person meant to meet you at the gangway, show you around, and get you started is new. They have no clue what to do, so as a result neither do you. They sit around smoking cigarettes. Your roommate is a French-Canadian beatnik. He smells like ass. He hangs his dirty underwear all over your closet of a room with no air conditioning. He does not shower for over a week and consequently you have to complain to the Musical Director. He gets angry when he finds out you complained about his stench. Later in the contract he cock blocks your only romantic action. You share a room, so without roommate consent you can’t get laid. The new drummer and bass player called you a homophone and a racist. The bass player is “in the closet” and is not responsible for his own sexual orientation. As a result he takes his anger and frustration out on you as well as wanting to sleep with you. You get transferred off the ship, because they decide your vibe is too “straight.” The M.D. tells you at 5:00 p.m. to pack your stuff. Your are leaving the next morning at 6:00 a.m. You are being transferred to a non-smoking ship, so you will have to quit smoking cold turkey. Most people would quit now, but you do not. You have to pay for your taxi ride from the airport to the new ship. You have to carry all your luggage by hand to the furthest berth on the dock. None of the scores of bell hops or taxi drivers offer to help you. This is your punishment for being "straight." When you sign on the ship the new M.D. thinks you are an asshole, because you are being transferred. He couldn’t care less that you are there, until you prove yourself musically. Although the band members like you because you play well, the band does not swing. This is your first encounter with pop/jazz. It takes the full month and a half to figure out what to play on the piano. You strum like a guitar. When you leave, although the band members still like you, you curse the bass player. He hears you and is offended. You will run into him again. When you get to your third ship, they are prepared for you. They have a preconceived notion you are an asshole and give you a hard time from the beginning. You almost get fired the second night of the cruise, because the guitar player runs the band. He says you have to kiss his ass. He cannot play the shows authentically, so that is why they have to ride your ass. You have one Dixieland set a cruise that kicks your ass from here to eternity, because the band doesn’t swing. (If jazz doesn’t swing, it is reggae.) The drummer takes offense to this comment, although it is true. He gives you a hard time, because you don’t play like a banjo player. In spite of all the bad playing, you shed the Dixie repertoire, transcribe some licks, and nail the set. It is the most musically difficult thing you have ever done. The tempos are blazing fast and you have to play “stride” piano and say, “Yes, massah.” The big band sets are sickly sweet, and you only have one 90 year old couple that dances. They don’t care that you can play jazz and improvise. They want Lawrence Welk. The new lead trumpet player and your roommate is an alcoholic. He drinks beer 24/7 and is drunk all the time. He rarely sleeps, although he nails the shows. His best friend is the guitar player, and of course he hates your guts. You are able to escape the carnage by developing a hernia. Because the company pays for your operation, they send you to the smallest ship. Your cabin is at the stern and over the diesel engines. When you port the entire rear of the ships shakes violently. Your roommate hates having a roommate and yells at you for not being quiet as a mouse at night. The M.D. is expecting your visit, because this happens every time. You change cabins hoping to get a smaller person, but the new drummer is your roommate. He is a large black man with racks of drum videos. He stays in the cabin 24/7 the entire time he is on the ship. You concede and let him sit there, because at least he is practicing the gig. The production shows are hard Broadway music. You have to shed them constantly. The M.D. makes you read the shows cold in full view of the rest of the band. You are humiliated, but your persevere. In spite of the suspect music, you enjoy the little ship. There are some girls to hang out with. The band on your next ship is the best. The band plays New Year’s Eve, because the “back lounge” band got fired. They videotape the gig and play it on ship’s television. The trombone player can play the trumpet like Maynard Ferguson. The two sax players are from New Orleans, but they still don’t swing. The rhythm section is the best in the fleet, before the drummer leaves. When the new guy comes, he tanks the band. He looks like Jesus and plays like a pussy. His excuse is he has beaten cancer. Luckily you sign off. The M.D. on your next ship is a manic depressive. He drinks constantly and blacks out for days at a time. He is irresponsible on the bandstand and wastes everyone’s time. He has a band of older musicians, but he can’t hand the responsible. The band is ready to explode at any moment, because the drummer plays like a pussy. (Now it is becoming a trend) He is dating the dance captain, so the cruise line will not fire him. A good band is being wasted, and everyone is frustrated. You develop another hernia from the stress and sign off. The M.D. gets yelled at by the Cruise Directo, because everyone thinks you quit. You decide to return to your first ship after the surgery to see if it is still gay. Your roommate is the only gay person in the band. You have to file a sexual harassment complaint against him after three months of hell. The band is good for an instant. You start to get attitude from the bass player and drummer like the first time. Things don’t change. You stick it out for two months. You have never been to Alaska, so you decide to take that ship. As soon as the M.D. goes on vacation the band has a good time. It is a constant party, and the band is drunk all the time. The shows are the hardest in the fleet, so you have no fun. Eventually the drummer bursts into your room drunk at three in the morning and pushes you up against the wall. He threatens you, so you decide to sign off early. The M.D. is an alcoholic and smoothes it over with the office to make it look like you are taking early vacation. Because you don’t want to “go on a long vacation” like the M.D. keeps suggesting, you do a vessel transfer. They lose your luggage, and you go over a week without clothing. The ship is docked in Jacksonville for the superbowl. You have to go to the mall to buy clothes. Jesus is the drummer. Now he is the M.D. He religiously writes down everything you say from the minute you sign on. When he gives you your evaluation when you sign off the ship, both he and the Cruise Director suggest you quit the company and become a school teacher. You change cruise lines and fly to San Diego. The ship is small and dark. The walls are paper thin, and your can hear the person turn over in the bed in the next room. Your roommate is an asshole and expects you not to breathe when you are sleeping. He has gland problems. He changes clothes five time a day. You steal wood from the carpenter’s shops to seal up the holes in the bunk beds. You stuff the remaining spaces with towels to absorb your breathing. The bass player and drummer develop an attitude and complain about you to the M.D. and Cruise Director. You have a meeting. The male production singer and the head cruise staff person are a couple. They are gay, and the C.D. is a woman. When she signs on the ship, she tells everyone to quit if they don’t like her. I did.