Today’s Top Ten List of American Fallacies

1. John F. Kennedy Jr., John Denver, and Steve Fossett are alive and well living comfortably in Rio de Janeiro

2. At the APEC Economic Summit in Sydney, Australia America’s “Prince of Darkness” was abducted by an Osama Bin Laden look alike and taken to a U.S. Detention Camp at Guantanamo Bay.

2. General David Patraeus used his hearing before Congress on the progress of the Iraq War to announce he was coming out of the closet. He professed his support for past President Bill Clinton’s “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in the U.S. military.

4. A buff Britney Spears kicked her drug habit cold turkey, married Seth Green at a Chuck E. Cheese Chapel, and doned frilly bloomers prior to her performance at the MTV Music Video Awards in Las Vegas, Nevada.

5. Senator Larry Craig used his Iraqi hearing before Congress to announce his bisexuality, citing the need to frequent airport bathrooms due to the Senate Page Scandal.

6. A suicidal California gray whale exploded in a densely populated maritime region killing six United States Naval officers. The Shiite lead Makah Tribe immediately claimed responsibility for the terrorist act via a video posted on the You Tube website.

7. Mitt Romney’s campaign headquarters in Boston’s north end were burglarized over the weekend by his own political supporters. After a window was found ajar Romney feverishly announced the disappearance of his three-year-old autistic and permanently retarded step daughter.

7. David Beckham announced Sunday his was leaving Major League Soccor and the L.A. Galaxy and returning to England’s West End to act in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new musical “The Ozone over Allah.” When questioned about the career move, he replied, “Posh has always wanted to see me dance, and I have less chance of getting hurt.”

9. Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff announced Monday he was off chemotherapy and his cancer was in remission. As a result he again will be changing jobs transferring to the district office of the Department of Jazz Preservation and Hurricane Reform in New Orleans, Louisiana.

10. Alberto Gonzales is alive and well and practicing law in Rio de Janiero.