Time to think again. It has been a long time since I have had the
opportunity to sit and think without antagonism. Each day when I wake for some reason I feel
antagonized. I am not sure why
yet. Often I wake from haunting
nightmares. Recently these lucid
dreams have been comprised of the most grotesque and horrifying images. Whence they come I have no idea. I haven’t thought about it too much,
because I do not put stock in being intimidated or afraid. I was bullied as a child, and as an
adult I will not stand for it. I
tell myself there are no real antagonists around me, but each week at some
point I fell both antagonized and persecuted. Am I a bad person?
I don’t think so. I am
Christian, believe in God, and try to do the right thing. I believe in honoring the Ten
Commandments.
I honor my father and my mother. I pray for my family on occasion. I do not steal, lie, or covet my neighbors wife. Still I feel persecuted. While I have committed adultery twice,
or rather slept with another mans wife, each time it was consensual. The first time the couple were having a
midlife crisis, and it was agreed upon if the other spouse needed diversion
they were free to pursue it.
Eventually it strengthened their marriage and it resumed in strength. The second time also it was consensual
and was a stepping stone for an ensuing divorce. Oddly enough now I believe I subliminally may be being
charged with attempted adultery.
First as I speak of adultery I am speaking from the perspective of a
single man making love with a married woman. It is not sordid, depraved, or selfish. It may be sinful in God’s eyes, and I
believe that. Some have said that
I am not guilty of adultery, because I myself an not betrothed. I believe I am. In the first instance of adultery what
become one of the most gratifying years of my life with a confidant, peer, and
friend yielded one of the most difficult and unhappy years of my life. I went through six differing
apartments, got evicted erroneously, and had to buy out another lease. In retrospect I did learn about the
potential evil in the rental housing market. It is great.
Large companies take advantage of you often revoking your human and
civil liberties. Lack of privacy,
sanity, and humanity often result.
Like the other chapters in my book, I learned from this difficult
experience. Was it a result of my willingness
to sleep with another man’s wife?
I don’t know. What I do
know is that feeling persecuted for such an action without having committed it
is unacceptable. For some reason I
have a suspicion this may be happening.
I remember back in time when I was fortunate enough to be able to attend
the Governor’s School of North Carolina at St. Andrews College one summer. It was here playing the trumpet in a
wind ensemble six hours a day I learned how to play trumpet. At the same time although I had no
reason to be unfaithful to my first love, she believed I was guilty of
infidelity. Consequently while I
was busy learning to be a better musician, I was accused of being unfaithful to
her. Simply it was not true. I had no reason to stray. Many decades later I came to understand
her persecution of my fidelity was a metaphor for her own infidelity or rather
temptation of such. She was having
a difficult time without me, and thus was having thoughts of infidelity. She projected her own feelings on me,
and I became her scapegoat. Then I
couldn’t believe what was happening.
Why and how could I be being punished for remaining true to my
love? It was uncanny. Now I feel a similar feeling that
somehow once again I am a scapegoat.
Never have I felt this feeling.
Peculiarly enough to me it only is possible in this unique and
unoriginal town in which temporarily I dwell. Many things once I thought and felt impossible have shown
their ugly faces. One is having
grotesque and horrifying dreams of torture, death, persecution, and human
carnage. Never have I spent one
second pondering the various scenarios of the violent and torturous end of a
human being. I do now. Intrinsically I know it is not a part
of me. I am not interested in such
thoughts. I do feel a relevant
need to understand their source. It
is possible such thoughts somehow are connected with creativity and its
source. Many televangelists confirm
a concept I always have believed to be true. Art comes from pain.
It is a cathartic process to find order and beauty in the midst of chaos
and evil. Is pain necessary for
great art? I believe so, but I
also can entertain the idea that good art is possible without it. According to one prominent
televangelist pain is the motivation for change. It is what forces us to change situations we do not like. A physical or mental sensation is
necessary for such change to occur.
Possibly that is true.
Consequently are these lucid dreams inadvertently trying to guide me
once again to a creative impetus? I
have been fortunate enough that four years of clinical depression were rewarded
with a prolonged output of musical creativity. This occurred while I was working as an orchestra pianist in
the cruise industry. I did not
decide ahead of time that this extremely demanding job of sight-reading music,
playing in various musical styles, and becoming a savvy politician also would
yield a somewhat prolific output of musical composition. I am grateful every day for it. Often I cannot remember how it happened
or rather the inspiration for it.
That simply is because I am surrounded by a completely different and
foreign environment, one which is responsible for producing horrible dreams of
death, suffering, and persecution.
If indeed I have been a bad person, then I could see handling feelings
of guilt or persecution. It has
become clear to me that my current environment is producing such feelings, and
they are a result of the mental weakness of others. Traveling around the world on ships has exposed me to
diverse and what could be sophisticated places. Similarly they could be considered not realistic in the
scope of the real world. We must
understand cruise ship destinations are meant to be a shelter from
reality. They are leisure or
hospitality destinations. People
are meant to be happy and relaxed.
Because I have dwelled in this environment for twelve years, it is
plausible I have lost tough with reality.
I am not sure that entirely is true. What I am becoming to understand is true is the city where I
spent most of my time growing up still is laden with petty, selfish, and
corrupt action. Only can it be
derived from material greed, because I never have experienced it
elsewhere. Each of the other
cities in which I have lived greatly were both different and an improvement in
my quality of life. Remarkable
this one particular televangelist also preaches that your destiny, success, or
happiness are geographical. To be
successful or rather be able to flourish as a human being, one needs to be in
the right place. The right place is
a place where change is possible, new intellect and creativity is welcome, and
selfishness and greed are minute. It
has become a burden sacrificing my own intellectual and creative output because
of an environment. Surprisingly to
me this environment feels exactly the same as it did twenty-five years
ago. I have the same gut feeling
that my education degree received at the University of North Carolina at Chapel
Hill has been an utter disappointment.
I have the same gut feeling that I for some reason am not capable of
earning an appropriate living with my talent and knowledge. Consequently I feel like a failure,
although I know this is far from the truth. When I am in other places I have flourished. When I am here, I feel because of my
environment, like a failure. One
reason I feel this way is because I am not conventional. Somehow I ended up unmarried and
without children. Starkly I am
very different than other men my age with wives, children, and homes. Should I feel self-conscious because I
do not posses the same things? The
answer is no. I feel no
unhappiness or remorse for not having anything. I am satisfied, because my life’s work as a musician and
composer have been fruitful. I
will die with no hole in my heart, no unfulfilled dreams, and no dispair. Still my environment, this environment,
produces such feelings. Finally I
have been able to discern that these feelings are all about me, and because I
am a sensitive and feeling musician I am subject to these emotions. Nature verses Nurture is a strong human
concept, and I am being tested by it each and every day. Because purposefully I have set my life
aside for the time being, I have become a canvas for strife, despair, and
despondency. I don’t like it. When you have taken the time to heal
yourself, it is infuriating to have your past won battles ignited in close
proximity. They say what does not
kill you makes you stronger, but in this situation the only logical answer is
to lead by example. It is
difficult to do when your own soul is unfed.
